AUTHOR:
Bruce Feiler (William Morrow, 2013)
REVIEWER:
Rebecca Lieberman, Executive Director, The Applebaum Foundation
BOOK LINK:
REVIEW:
The Secrets of Happy Families rests on an appealing premise: The exasperating, satisfying, tedious, and thrilling work of family life can be improved. We can raise better kids, be better spouses, and function better as families through the application of expert knowledge and proven approaches from a variety of disciplines, some not commonly associated with family life.
In researching The Secrets of Happy Families Feiler sought out an impressive array of experts. He weaves their philosophies, prescriptions, and scholarship together with fun vignettes and how-to advice to create an engaging and useful book.
We get Warren Buffet’s wisdom on allowance. We learn new approaches to family management from Jeff Sutherland, an innovator in Agile – an approach to software development that is collaborative, self-organizing, and non-hierarchical and involves conscious checking-in, reflection, and adaptation. (Certainly sounds like something most families could use.) We are persuaded of the importance of keeping core values and beliefs at the forefront of family life from serial entrepreneur David Kidder. He developed a belief board with his family to ensure core values and goals were articulated and honored — a characteristic he had identified in successful businesses. We see the fun and importance of sharing family history (ups and downs included) and creating family traditions through a visit to the home of Marshall Duke. The Emory University psychologist’s research charts the impact of these things on resilience in children. We read staggering statistics on the positive impact of family dinners (or any other meal done consistently). And we learn how to get our kids to talk, and let them talk, at these meals. We consider family mission statements, which originated with Stephen Covey, who followed The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People with The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. As in business, this exercise creates a shared understanding of values and goals. We learn how to fight better, talk about sex, have more fun, and many others.
Be warned: this book is more “just do it” than “feel good.” It asks us to act because the stakes are high, and we have the capacity to change for the better. I was particularly struck by how adults are encouraged to share authority and make demands. For example, parents should establish rituals (think weekly dinners) and require their children to attend, without apology. Everyone in a household – sons, daughters, fathers, mothers – should be partners in figuring out how the family can function more smoothly, and in the work of achieving that. Members of all ages should contribute to family mission statements, and be reminded when their behavior does not honor it. The list could go on.
Too often we may shy away from asking family members (our own personally, and others professionally) to take up hard topics together. But seeking that partnership is essential if families hope to live or work together with more joy and efficacy. This lesson will impact my professional practice in many ways. At home, we’re getting ready for our first regular meeting on how things went over the past week – our adaptation of Agile. Participants will range from age 3 to 48. It should be an adventure.
Rebecca Lieberman is a philanthropy advisor and strategic consultant with particular expertise in family philanthropy and capacity building for non-profits. She is a 21/64 certified consultant.
