By Sharna Goldseker

Greetings from chilly New York City where I’ve returned to work post sabbatical and have enjoyed reconnecting with many of you. To be honest, I’ve been back since Labor Day weekend and each week someone in the network who I’ve emailed says, ‘Oh, you’re back. I thought you’d write to the list serve and let us know.’ That prompting has me writing today as well as reflecting on why I have -if I’m being candid- delaying my announcement of “I’m back.”  

First, thanks to many of you for the lovely notes you sent as I was leaving on sabbatical in April when I posted this note ‘Old Person aspires to become New Person.’ Your generosity of friendship, colleagueship and support were amazing and your wisdom at the moment of launch conveyed optimism and encouragement which meant so much to me. In good action research fashion, I thought I’d feedback some of the data I collected from your emails about the importance of taking sabbaticals:

“Way to walk your talk!”

“What a brave, fabulous, amazing decision. Enjoy every chaotic unpredictable, fast, slow, new and old minute of it.”

“My husband and I took at three month sabbatical 18 years ago. At the time, we scheduled the trip it seemed luxurious and self-absorbed. Somewhere in the middle of month two it became clear that although it was a luxury, it was the best gift possible that we gave to ourselves, our family and our friends. The space to breathe, to think, to unwind and to re-center was transformative and reaffirming. We believe that we returned as calmer and happier people. There’s so much more to the daily routine than drop off, dinner and bath…but those routines can be more magical when the brain and soul is rested and relaxed.”

“…remember sabbaticals are to be free to do whatever you want, sabbaticals are a state of mind.”  

Secondly, thank you to the 21/64 board who gave me permission to take this important time after seventeen years growing what was first a program and then became an independent organization. As one board member said before I left, “I’m thrilled that you’ll be doing this. Frankly, I should have, years ago. Wasn’t something we thought about it then, but I believe it’s a great way to let yourself take stock and look to the future.“

Of course, none of the leave would have been possible without the 21/64 staff team who managed the work of the organization seamlessly while I was away and stepped up and into leadership roles in gorgeous ways. I’m forever grateful.

So, why have I delayed in writing to the network? My most self-reflective read is that it’s because saying “I’m back” puts an end to the sacred time I’ve had. I’ve been trying to retain my sabbatical state of being and to write saying “I’m back” would suggest my journey is over. By stating, “I’ve returned” and re-acclimated, would then signify by implication that I’ve returned to who I was and am back to what I was doing. However, I don’t feel like I returned the same person nor wish to re-acclimate into old patterns that perhaps no longer suit me or 21/64. 

While I haven’t fully sorted out what my new paradigm will look like, I know my sabbatical experiences have intervened to shift old routines, challenge my crutches and interrupt previous ways of dealing with the world. They have brought me a new calm and perspective and I find myself asking how I can take the insights I’ve had and shift my behavior, develop new habits, and change my way of being as I move forward. 

To name a few of these feelings that have cracked open new ways of being:

– I want to retain the feeling of being in a part of the world where being white or Western isn’t the majority experience. Where I can’t anonymously go through life preoccupied just with my own thoughts and preoccupations rather am pushed to be more thoughtful about who I am and how I show up in the world.

– I want to retain the feeling of not knowing, of being curious and holding a beginner’s mind that came with living in countries where the three sector model of the market, government and third or voluntary sector isn’t the dominant narrative as it is here in the U.S. and every assumption about how things work has to be thrown out the window.

– I want to retain the constant state of being present it took to figure out how to navigate places where I didn’t speak the language (though thank goodness for Google Translate) and determining where to go and how to get there and what to eat took up our complete focus and attention. 

– I want to retain some of the feelings of space and quiet that I rediscovered I had in my brain when I didn’t read a volume of email every day, stopped consuming news (including articles, publications and newsletters), ceased listening to podcasts, attending events and doing all the extra-curricular, media-related stuff that occupies a considerable amount of brain space. It’s incredible how much else you can explore in the absence of that noise (imagine: conversations about the economy with camel herders in the Gobi Desert and discussions of Middle East peace between my kids and kids from a Muslim family while learning about sustainability practices in Indonesia, not to mention walking the Great Wall and snorkeling with sea turtles).

– I want to retain the proximity to my children and husband that the time gave me so that I was able to be around for important conversations that weren’t scheduled or planned and instead arose spontaneously when someone felt ready to be vulnerable.

The above may not seem like surprising content… perhaps I even could have anticipated many of these insights intellectually before I left— but I had to experience them, to feel them, in order to shift my state of being; and, that’s what the time off gave me. The chance to feel them enabled these discoveries (and some rediscoveries) to feel fundamental again and so enable me to shift not just my attitude, but my behaviors, and maybe even influence the way I live my life. 

That’s really the work of the next chapter. While my family and I and 21/64 prepared for months before I left, no one tell you to prepare for a post-sabbatical existence and how to take the experiences and feelings you’ve had and apply them to your life. That’s the state I’m in now. 

So, I look forward to reconnecting with you and trying on my new language for expressing all of this. I am not just back but I’m moving forward. I’ve not only returned but am still journeying. I’ve re-entered but am renewed. The rest is yet to come.